Guilt and shame are two of the most powerful emotions in our culture. They can be extremely negatively valenced in the mind and body, and I observe that they affect people’s mental health to a great degree. In this post I will describe why people can tend to get caught up in unhealthy patterns of feeling excessive shame and guilt, and give you some pointers on how you can overcome these patterns.
The first thing I encourage people to think about is, on an overall level, why do these emotions exist? Guilt and shame are part of a group called the self-conscious emotions which also includes jealousy, embarrassment, and pride. They’re called the self-conscious emotions because while other emotions like fear and anger may involve the self, these are the only emotions that necessarily do so, every time. Out of the five self-conscious emotions, pride is the only one that we typically associate with positive feelings! Since so much negativity can come from these emotions, why don’t we do away with them? Why do we feel them at all?
As a society we rely heavily on them because they regulate people’s behaviors. Imagine a society with no guilt and no remorse! We cannot, in fact, imagine such a place except in horror films and true crime stories about psychopaths. So it must be said these emotions do serve positive functions in society, and this is why we still utilize them so much as a species. This is important to remember because, although these emotions do feel negative, they are not inherently bad and oftentimes good things result from them. So, the emotions themselves are not the enemy and we should never view ourselves as being in a fight with our emotions.
It’s also incredibly helpful to think about the difference between guilt and shame since research consistently shows how helpful it is to name an emotion and then dig deeper into it. Again, we must think about the function of these emotions. They are both geared towards making future changes. Guilt is about feeling remorse for an action and making sure that we don’t commit the same action again, while shame is about needing to change something about yourself, about who you are as a person. This is why shame is so powerful, because it cuts to the very core of who you are. If you are a “greedy person,” the implication is that you need to change something deeply within yourself.
A lot of times people will feel shame in situations that actually call for guilt. For example, if I lose my temper and say something hurtful to my partner, it would be appropriate to feel guilt about this so that I understand that my actions have the potential to harm and so that I work to avoid that in the future. Where it can really go wrong is if I go a step further and shame myself into thinking that I am a “bad partner” or that I am not worthy of my partner’s love. This is unhelpful because this is a completely subjective idea that puts me in a situation where I will be performing actions in the future to prove to my partner, and myself, that I am a good partner, and I will be seeking approval and validation for that excessively. While certain levels of guilt may be appropriate, shame is almost never helpful for propelling someone towards meaningful change.
One thing that helps in the case or spiraling thoughts and patterns of excessive guilt and shame is to understand why these patterns generally tend to develop in the first place. Like most of our patterns, there is a good chance that it likely developed in childhood. For parents and teachers, guilt and shame are tools that are used early and often to manage children’s behavior. If a child is speaking while the teacher is trying to give a lesson, for example, they may shame the child. For reasons discussed above, it is not good practice to do this excessively but it does happen frequently due to large class sizes, busy schedules, and the general difficulties of teaching and parenting. The key here is that we get positively reinforced socially for feeling these emotions and so we tend to cling to them even if they’re affecting us negatively over time.
If we take the example of a child who is disruptive in class and cannot control herself, then the teacher may use guilt and shame to change the child’s behavior. Once the child changes, the teacher will reward the child and perhaps the other students will also treat her better as well. This positive reinforcement that results from the use of shame and guilt has now created a strong association between those emotions and positive outcomes. The child has now learned that these are effective tools to change and, further, that they are perhaps the most effective tools. So, this becomes a coping mechanism to be used in the future and the more that it works, the more that it gets reinforced. This becomes a problem when she is older and relies to heavily on this strategy and cannot change it. This is just one of many examples one can think of for how this type of pattern can develop. Hopefully with some reflection and understanding of this concept, a person can also understand that it is not their fault, at all.
Before I get into some strategies for overturning these patterns, let’s return again to the function of these emotions and discuss how apologizing complicates things. If the function of guilt is to correct an action, then you want to be able to stop feeling guilt as soon as you have identified the action that you need to correct and ensure any other involved parties that you will change it going forward. This leads us to the important topic of apologizing. Many times, people fall into patterns of excessively apologizing when really it is not necessary. This can hinge on culture and family expectations. Some families are adamant about apologizing to restore order, but if you did something unintentionally, then why apologize? If you affect someone negatively, they are much more interested in you acknowledging that and vowing to change your behavior than an apology. Apologies go hand-in-hand with shame and so I feel that they should be reserved for moments where we voluntarily acted outside of our value system and feel deep regret.
Another thing to watch out for is people in your environment who are using shame and guilt to manipulate you. While this is not exactly gaslighting, it is very similar. Many times, this goes on unintentionally but sometimes people do know what they’re doing. Bosses, for example, may use subtle tactics of shame. If your boss knows that a core aspect of your identity is that you are a hard worker or a perfectionist, they might shame you for turning in assignments late or with errors. This can be quite manipulative and over time it can become outright abusive. I have seen this go on in corporate environments to a great degree and, worse, oftentimes it is rewarded and bosses who have this management style are promoted. So be sure to check for the possibility that people in your current environment are not causing you to feel excessive guilt and shame.
Once you’ve eliminated that possibility, we can use strategies to overcome patterns of guilt and shame. One strategy that I love from the Immunity to Change framework from Harvard is called the Observation Exercise. Before utilizing the observation exercise, we work to uncover some of the assumptions that are driving these patterns. A person may develop an assumption that they are not a good partner, or not worthy of their partner’s love. Maybe there’s been a couple incidents that would have suggested that and a person has internalized it completely to now believe that this assumption is true. With the observation exercise, you have seven to ten days where you look for examples of moments where the assumption is true and not true, and describe how each moment affects you negatively or positively. It could be that the assumption is partially true and maybe you need to change something, so we’ll look for these examples, but we’ll also look for examples that cast doubt on the assumption, examples where you’re being a supportive and loving partner. This exercise is effective for any unhealthy assumptions that people carry around that fuel cycles of shame and self-destructive beliefs. It’s an amazing way to reflect and there are also specific follow-up questions to complete after the exercise is complete that help you go more in depth.
This is consistent with the other exercises in the Immunity to Change framework that teach a person how to change and equip them with the lifelong skills to tackle all changes in the future. Another exercise of interest in this situation would be the Biography Exercise. As mentioned earlier, these patterns often develop in childhood and we’re rewarded for feeling these emotions by others around us and so we latch on to them and use them too much. The biography exercise is extremely helpful for looking back at key events in your life where you may have felt guilt and shame really strongly. There are specific reflection questions for analyzing what the events meant to you at the time as well as how they make sense to you now. So this is another tool that has helped people overcome many different patterns because it helps people understand why they have arisen in the first place. I hope you have found this information helpful. Please check out our other blogs on emotion and psychological change and don’t hesitate to reach out to me at greg@adaptiveedgecoaching.com to talk more about your goals!